Updated: Dec 16, 2020
This year has been one of the most transformative years of my life. Not only because of what happened in the outside world, but also because of what happened in my internal world. I have changed from the inside out. The year of the snake, the year of shedding skins. Shedding limitations, shedding false narratives, shedding the Maiden within so that I can grow into the Mother, the Queen, the Crone I am meant to be.
Archetypally speaking, I learned this year that I was playing the role of the Maiden. As most young women do. There is nothing wrong with this! The Maiden is youthful, curious, open to any adventure, sensual, full of vitality, and compelling. But her shadow side is naive, drawn to danger, enchanted by every shiny feel-good thing that passes by. The Maiden has a lot to learn, and she prefers to run away anytime things get hard. Jumping from one fantasy to the next, from one knight in shining armour to the next. Think of almost any princess character and you will understand the archetype of the Maiden. They wait for someone to come rescue them, unaware of their own power, afraid to break the spell of their own life.
Moving from Maiden to Mother, or Maiden to Queen, has been an initiation process that I had no idea was coming for me. The snake has guided me through this time, reminding me that I can travel between the seen and unseen worlds to learn from energies greater than I. Reminding me that life is a continuous journey of transformation. Reminding me that I am safe, taken care of, and supported by the Divine. Snakes have come to me in my dreams, meditations, visions, and in nature all throughout this year. When snakes shed their skins, they even shed a layer from their eyeballs. They become uncomfortable for some time, retreating into their safe spaces to rest as their body does the work for them. This year I have become comfortable in the uncomfortable, found myself retreating into the safety of myself, and as a result I have shed everything about me... even the way I see myself and the world. Now, I have a snake inked on my right forearm to remind me that this journey is never done.
This initiation has included a lot of internal work, outward practice of what I’ve learned, and also joining in sacred union with another. This year I got married. It was the scariest and most beautiful choice I have ever made. The choice to go into union brought up a LOT of fears for me. All fears that I never really knew I had. Now, I realize they were essential for me to become aware of and work through in order for me to step into this next phase of my life as the Mother Queen. Fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of losing my freedom, fear of abandonment. Understanding that I’ve witnessed very few marriages that I would consider healthy. Realizing that I’ve always run from any relationship as soon as I’ve felt something go wrong. Witnessing that I have this unending need to please everyone, be perfect, be accepted, be the “nice girl.” Understanding that I value my freedom more than anything, but I was defining freedom as not needing to take responsibility for anything. Realizing that I have never been able to fully open myself up to a partner because in the back of my head I knew they were going to leave or hurt me in some way. Yeah... allllll that and more. And as each fear came up, I witnessed it. Look at it from all angles. Tried to dig deeper into why I have this fear and where I learned it from. And as I started to understand them, as I began to do the shadow work, everything started to become clearer. I came to the conclusion that these were nothing but fears. False Evidence Appearing Real. That’s all. These fears are not me, I am not defined by these fears. This was the world of the Princess, and I am ready to become the Queen.
I also had to come to the realization that my decision brought up a lot of fears for other people as well. People who care about me dearly, no doubt. But as an added layer to my own personal shadow work, I also had others unload their fears onto me. This is when things became confusing. Hearing people who I love spew their doubts, fears, and projections onto me shook me from my core. Almost none of my family or friends have met Juan for more than a few days, most of them haven’t met him at all. It took awhile for me to differentiate between what was mine to hold and what wasn’t. You see, no one ever thought I would get married, or at least not in the last days of my 23rd year on Earth. No one ever thought that my free spirit could be “tied down.” And it’s a funny thing when you break people’s expectations of you. That’s when projection starts in and you really have to stand your ground. Of course they meant well, trying to warn me of all the hardships of marriage and the true work it takes to stay committed. Reminding me that this is “forever,” that things will change, that this will not be all rainbows and butterflies for long, and that divorce is painful. I began to witness my mind tremble the more I fed into the fears of others. That’s when I began tuning more and more into myself. That’s when I knew it was time to really cultivate a relationship with my intuition. I found that anytime I was unsure of what I was doing, where I was going, and who I wanted to be, I would tune into that knowing space within and find sweet clarity. As I began to listen to my intuition, something began to rise from deep within me, and I knew I had to follow it tooth and nail.
This is when the Crone came into my life. This is when I learned the story of Baba Yaga. This is when I began to learn about the Wise, Wild Woman. This is when I understood that the knowing that comes from deep within me is not just some anomalie, but a true energy that lives within each of us. It just so happens to be sleeping in most of us. The Crone appeared to guide me through this initiation. The Crone accepts everything, laughs at notions of good and bad, births life and gives death, devours beauty and suffering with the same mouth. She is the Witch. Feared by those who fail to understand the essential role that Death plays in Life. Loved by those who are willing to dive into what scares them most only to come out the other side more rich, magic, and wise than ever before. I called upon the Crone energy to help me allow the Maiden within to die so that space could be created for something new to be born. I started to grieve for the parts of me that were dying. Old skins started to fall away. I retreated into stillness and allowed for pain to wash over me. I thanked and burned what was ready to go. From the ashes, the Queen began to rise.
(in English: Your intuition brought you here.)
The day Juan and I got married was full of ease and magic. That night when we returned to our rented apartment in the city and collapsed into eachothers arms, an undeniable wave of relief washed over both of us. It felt like a veil was lifted. We both spoke of feeling lighter. Suddenly the world seemed brighter, even under the night sky. Looking back at that night, I think we fell into the arms of unconditional love. Into the arms of God. Into the arms of the Mother. Little did I know that joining into sacred union with Juan would be the moment I stepped over the threshold from Maiden to Mother (archetypal Mother, this is not a baby announcement lol)**. I now realize that I have the fattest permission slip ever written to just simply be myself, to explore all parts of myself, to enjoy all parts of myself, to dive deeper into love than I ever have before, and to create the life that I have always wanted to live. This is the energy of the Mother. The Mother is the Source, she births creation from her love. I believe Mothers don’t have to birth children to be Mothers. We can birth ideas, projects, businesses, growth, our own lives, communities, space, energy, love, babies, and so much more. The Mothers love is so unconditional that it generates creativity, it nurtures both our shadows and our light. The unconditional love the Mother embodies can set us free. Of course, the Mother archetype has a shadow side as well, just as all universal energies do. The shadow of the Mother clings, controls, and restricts. The Mother can sometimes love something so much that she actually grips onto and limits what she meant to set free. There is always a balance to be worked with.
The energy of the Queen has been leading me more to this space of the Mother. I would say that the Queen is a mixture of Mother and Crone. The light energy of the Queen is a sovereign being, the embodiment of grace, courage, and stillness. The dark energy of the Queen can be self-righteous, demanding, and petty. The Queen reminds me that when I am aligned with my truths, I will be patient and forgiving. She allows for Divine intelligence to move through her. She strives for nothing because she already has everything she needs. The Queen is ready to be seen, ready to be heard. The Queen is not afraid to lead with her heart, to be honest, and to fully commit to what her kingdom needs. The Queen feels powerful, confident, and unafraid of what people think of her. She makes decisions based on her intuition and she readily calls upon trusted higher energies for guidance. I feel the Queen, like the Crone, is wise. She allows for what needs to die to die and gives her all to what is ready to live. Like the Mother, the Queen is capable of great unconditional love, as long as she keeps her ego in check. The Queen in me is the part that trusts the process fully, that isn’t afraid to go deep, and that keeps her heart open no matter how much easier it is to close. The Queen reminds me that there is no need to fear anything because I am safe and I am supported. She is calling upon the leader in me that is settled deep in trust, resolve, and power. Moving from Maiden to Mother means that I am taking responsibility for my own life, that I am ready to commit to love and growth for the long haul. The Queen is helping me call my power in as the Crone guides me from my deepest inner knowing. There is no doubt in my mind that I have the courage to be the sovereign empress.
There’s no looking back now.
I am her.
** disclaimer: getting married is absolutely NOT the only way one may transition from Maiden to Mother. And it is very possible to get married and still be playing the role of the Maiden. As mentioned, you can become a mother of a project, community, energy, space, idea, person, etc. Becoming the Mother just means you are ready to commit to something greater than yourself, you are willing to birth something into the world. You have the power to create something and you're going to stick with it til the end no matter how hard things get because what you're birthing is from your heart and that means it has a place in this world. It just so happens that for me, marriage is what initiated this transformation. It could be a huge variety of things for others, as we are talking about archetypes here which, simply put, are just ~energy~. The possibilities are endless. We are limitless!
phew, 2020, amiright? What a wild year. I hope my words give you some insight as to what growth I’ve encountered this year, maybe you resonate with some of it, maybe it strikes a cord somewhere deep inside you. What inspired me to write this post was a Deja Blu podcast about the Maiden and Mother archetypes, the cards I have pulled over this year from the Wild Unknown Archetype Deck by Kim Krans, and reading the book Women Who Run With the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. All of these have been great guides and resources for me over this time of deep transformation. Thank you for reading this, it has been an entire year's worth of tears, pain, joy, and love jammed into a few paragraphs. If you want to talk more, have questions, or want to share your own story, please head over to the Connect page to get in touch.
Many blessings to you on your path.
Always with Love,