I’ve been fake. I’ve been a coward. I’ve been dishonest, judgmental, and disrespectful.
These last few months have been full of painful realizations and meeting my shadows nose to nose. I was letting my ego run the show instead of my heart. I won’t shy away from that.
I’ll take responsibility for those sides of me.
When I’ve been judged in a way that touches my shadows I have tended to deny, shut down, project, or give up. When I received observations from others in the form of judgements and angry ridicule, I took those as proof that I wasn’t worthy and an excuse to continue living an old story. I believed those judgements to be true because that’s what I believed about myself too.
I’ve fucked up and failed more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve projected my fears onto others and I’ve judged others from the lens of my own insecurities and self-judgements.
But recently, after much time believing in my unworthiness, I’ve decided that instead of letting these moments of weakness and darkness become who I am, I just soaked in them. I’ve let their dark waters wash over me. I’ve sat with the pain, let my wounds burn. I’ve gone into silence knowing that there was something trying to emerge from me, that there was healing that needed to be done. That healing meant loving the parts of me that were deemed unlovable. I reached out to the angels in my life, which I feel blessed to say are many, who saw me in my full-blown ugly healing process and still held space and love for me. Then, slowly, I’ve emerged from the cave, and let these once rejected parts of me begin to empower me.
Through the darkness I’ve found deeper self-understanding. Through the pain I’ve found deeper self-love, self-compassion, and empathy. I have learned how to forgive myself in times when no one else would. I applied these balms to the wounds of self-judgment and self-rejection and allowed myself the time and space to shed old skins and grow new wings without a timeline. I have sat with being uncomfortable as hell and now I know myself better than ever before. I have found that when you open into discomfort, you bring more freedom, resilience, and free-flow of energy to your experience. You find the opportunity to expand.
So thank you, cycles of Life and Death, for always bringing me situations, people, and opportunities to grow. Even if it takes me months to see what you were trying to teach me, even if I’m stubborn as fuck and need to have the lessons repeated in different ways, I am grateful for it all. Especially the lessons that come back around again and again so that I may learn something I didn’t before.
Maybe, hopefully, I’ve learned this time. Something feels different now, for sure a shift of some sort has taken place. If not, well, either way I am here for me. Through all this I have seen that above all, I always have my own back. I am here for this growth, even when it comes to me in unexpected ways.
I am not here to fix anything. I am here to feel it all. I am here for the expansion, the learning, the growing pains and the joyful re-births. What a beautiful realization to see the depths to which I have gone and know that I’m still here.
Here for it all.